Recently, after I reviewed another book on greening the fashion world, the publisher sent me a note saying that she had seen my site www.goodcleanlove.com and was going send me another new book she thought I would be interested in: Sex Secrets of Porn Stars.
I wondered if she had actually read anything on my site.
After years of attending the big Vegas “Sex Shows,” it had become increasingly clear that my corporate mission, brand identity and personal beliefs about the connection between love and sex was a universe removed from both the intent and content of the adult industry.
Giving into curiosity, however, I opened the book to the first page, where the author compares the women we emulate, like Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Margaret Mead, with the famous women of the silver screen, the ones who bare it all: the stars of pornography. The author suggests that if we emulated these women (instead of great women’s rights leaders?) we would all enjoy the pleasures of the flesh. The plot thickens, as the author details everything from the hair, make up and costume choices of porn stars, to their borrowed positions and scripts, suggesting all of this in order to spice up one’s own love life.
Ironically on the same day, I got a lengthy email from a New York literary agent with whom I had been corresponding about publishing my work in book form. Having made contact with her through an editor at a large publishing house, I was anxious to hear her thoughts on how best to position my work. She said that although she liked my work, the idea of the work involved in building and maintaining sustainable relationships just wouldn’t sell nearly as well as a cute book about discovering and enjoying a more passionate life. “Couldn’t you just write a book about finding more passion? After all, you have this cute company that sells sex products…. Just downplay all the hard work in relationships, people don’t really want to read about that.”
It occurred to me to send her Sex Secrets of the Porn Stars.
I do sometimes feel that my tag line – “Making Love Sustainable” – is a little like pushing a big rock up a steep hill. We aren’t really a culture that applies the wisdom of sustainability to our most important relationships. Often when I use my tag line, there is a thoughtful pause, as though the idea were completely new. It isn’t just about promoting green and healthy products (although the adult industry could certainly do with a green washing of its standard ingredients). It is also about the deeper possibility that we might be willing to give up momentary happiness or the ease we expect our relationships to provide and actually commit to the work of making our relationships sustainable and lasting – perhaps with the same effort we might put into our homes, businesses and personal health.
How far our collective reality is from this sustainable love model is evidenced in our society’s demographics: from rising divorce statistics, to the trends of young people who choose to “hook up” or to be “friends with benefits” rather than engage in committed relationships, to the commonness of pornography in our lives. The percentages of people who participate in the on-line pornographic universe, for instance, are startling. One in four adults spends four or more hours per week in sexual experiences that are cut off from the relationships that define their lives. Many actually prefer these virtual relationships to the real ones that fill their homes. In a time when there has never been more opportunity and technology to connect to each other, we have never seen the incidence of this many people living alone.
That we don’t choose to stay in real love relationships is not that surprising, as loving another person is one of the most challenging and elevated skills that we are demanded to develop as human beings. Most of us come from families which gave us little useful information on how to love with longevity and commitment. And if you graduated from any public institution in this country, then you know how little relationship skills are provided in the standard K-12 curriculum. Even skills as basic as conflict resolution are rarely standard for children, compared with say, geometry. Given our collective history of warring and pillaging, you would think it might occur to our society that loving each other is not an ingrained quality in the human makeup. Rather than a sideline activity, it could be that teaching the skills of loving, relationship-building and conflict resolution could be something for which we try to achieve mastery.
Still, as complicated and messy as loving relationships can be, they are also a clear path that can provide the kind of mind-blowing, wow-that-was-amazing sex that we all long for most. Making love with someone who you deeply love is a singular experience that so unites the intimates involved that it transforms them. It is the proverbial glue that keeps the rest of the mess intact and inspires people to a compassion and kindness that they may not even know they are capable of. It is the truest part of what it means to be human and the act of love that accompanies it has the power to change the world.
And change the world it does. Loving someone is the largest single predictor for health and longevity. As Dr. Dean Ornish says: “Love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well, what causes sadness and what brings happiness, what makes us suffer and what leads to healing…I am not aware of any other factor in medicine – not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery – that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness and premature death from all causes.”
Love is the cure as well as the illness in our world, and evolving our ability to love increases not only our chances of survival but creates a depth and meaning in life that can only happen in relationship.
The healing effects of intimacy and connection extend deeply into the physical act of lovemaking. Hundreds of major medical studies have shown that an active sex life leads to a longer life, better heart health, a healthier immune response, reduction in chronic pain symptoms, lower rates of depression and even protection against some cancers. Men who have regular sex (only twice per week) have half as many heart attacks as men who only have sex once per month. In fact, a regular garden variety sex life has been shown to extend life by as much as ten years. People who enjoy a meaningful sex life are less anxious, fearful and inhibited.
So now that you are sold on the benefits of love and intimacy, let’s also reveal the unspoken truth about sustaining love over time: loving someone else and allowing yourself to be deeply loved is an act of heroic patience, intention and commitment. After the honeymoon wears off (and I promise it always does) we humans are all as annoying as we are loveable. Accepting this as fact and then building the skills to undertake the daily problem-solving of loving, is not only wise, but is also a prerequisite for enjoying the kind of sex that can change your world.
Well, Jez and I are now back from honeymoon and back to reality and our wedding day, although only two weeks ago, now seems like a distant happy memory. Wow, it flew by so past but that’s probably because we had such a fantastic time!
This post is just going to be brief but after so many good luck wishes from everyone I wanted to give a quick update on how it all went. My original post, ‘Planning a hand-made, eco wedding‘, gives more details about what went into preparing our big day.
I suppose one of the things about planning an ethical wedding is that many people are curious about what it will be like. I think quite a few of our guests were really expecting something unusual but in fact it was traditional in many ways.
It was great for us that people entered into the spirit of the day so happily, some of our older guests said they enjoyed it because it reminded them of the simple, family weddings they used to go to when they were children. One of our friends even recycled part of our invitation to put into her wedding card.
The maypole cake and chocolate cupcakes looked beautiful and went down a treat. Everyone loved the food and organic wine and nothing went to waste!
On the morning of the wedding we picked up the flowers and took the hall keys to the caterer. Our caterer was excited that she’d bought so much local food from the market that morning and the florist made a point of writing down where the flowers had been sourced – “Flowers and foliage from Leiston Suffolk, Spalding Lincolnshire, Penryn Cornwall”.
For our honeymoon we went to Brussels on the Eurostar and then on to Amsterdam on the Thalys train. We hadn’t travelled on the new Eurostar from St Pancras before and I have to say I was impressed that there was organic and fairtrade food and drink on the menu. Their information also says that they are constantly reviewing their environmental performance, reducing waste and increasing the use of biodegradable packaging. OK, so this statement isn’t quantifiable but its a start, right?
It’s strange to think that after so many months of planning, preparation and creating your day is over in a flash. Of course it isn’t really because it’s just the foundation of a new commitment you’ve made to each other for many, many more days to come.
I think the day after Valentine’s Day is as good a day as any to let green girls know about a green wedding competition!
Ethical Weddings member and environmentally committed videographer, Jennifer Sabini Evans of BeanTime Productions is offering six hours of her time to 4 US couples who are having a Green Wedding in 2008!
To be in with a chance to win this package valued at $1200 all you need to do is email a description of your green wedding event (including the date and location) to Jennifer, along with a photo of you and your other eco-loving half.
And as if that wasn’t enough, since the competition was first announced, Jennifer has managed to round up a few more prizes for the lucky brides-to-be:
So the search is on for the most creative, authentic green and organic wedding:
“It’s simply beautiful to see more couples not only making a commitment of love to each other but to love the Earth as well.”
The contest has four deadlines, one for each season. Winning couples will be announced through the BeanTime Productions website.
The contest submission deadlines are as follows:
So good luck with the competition – but remember, it’s just for fun! We don’t want brides to start feeling bad if their wedding doesn’t work out quite as green as the next couple’s. Green guilt is so not a good look on your wedding day. Do what you can and have a fab day!
Take care,
Katie
Ethical Weddings
I have a cool job, or as my sixteen year old son would correct me, it is fresh… I get to imagine and sell amazing love products. My husband bought in to the concept because he of course gets to be the primary tester. This is a real perk in a love products company. I have learned a lot about product formulation and ingredients over the years, but what I have learned about love and marriage has been even more inspiring. So here is the big key that I wish someone had told me years ago… the more you love your partner, the more loving they become.
I started Good Clean Love in search of healthy and clean products for myself. Good love products should make touching, kissing and smelling each other better. They should be made with natural ingredients that actually interact with your brain and don’t leave nasty and sticky residue on your skin. The products you use for love, should make you feel like you are loving yourself and as far as I am concerned that leaves petro- chemicals and parabens out of the mix. Surprisingly over 90% of the OTC lubes available are made with chemicals designed first for cars or oven cleaner. Many women have severe reactions to these products and because they are all made with the same base ingredients, many women come to the false conclusion that they don’t like sex. (It’s the products…)
Using good love products that are made with natural ingredients should invite the healthy exploration of touch and scent that can often be a more easily understood form of communication. Sometimes it is good to give our words and voices a rest and let our bodies lead us to the communicating and bonding that they carry inside. In fact, after decades of marriage, I would say that it is through the physical conversations that I connect with my husband in ways that words can’t come close. This connection is where sex is making love.
Scent is the most basic reflex we have when it comes to sexual attraction. Try and imagine kissing someone who smells bad to you…. Love products that capitalize on true scent are actually waking up the limbic part of your brain, where memory, sexuality and emotion are conveniently stored. The gentle nudge of scents gets that arousal mechanism going and after kissing and massaging with aphrodisiac scents, your imagination (which is a really important sex organ) lets loose. Cleopatra knew this, she was known to make love on a bed of rose petals 10 inches deep.
Lubrication is at the core of good feelings in sexuality. When you are young and fit, it is a natural mechanism that just happens, reminding you that you feel sexy. As we age and experience more of life’s cycles (kids, nursing, illnesses and some medications) we often don’t get those messages from our body. The cool thing, or well the fresh thing is this, you can apply a good and natural lube to your body and wake up those arousal feelings yourself. Your body can teach your brain at least as effectively as your brain teaching the body. And face it, any body part that is oiled, wet, slick and smooth is sexier than the same body part dry.
Dig into Valentines Day with your whole body and pay attention to the ingredients- your most sensitive tissue deserves healthy and green products too.
The scent of desire, it turns out has more to do with our biological imperative than we might have ever imagined. That magical x factor in seeking and connecting to your special someone is actually right under your nose- or at least in it. Author Rachel Herz’s new book The Scent of Desire will be the first of many volumes on the often overlooked olfactory system that will forever change how we think about our relationships. And even though I have long been promoting smell as our primary sexual sense, I had no idea that its reach went to the very core of the species regeneration.
Our sense of smell and what attracts or repels us, is blueprinted in our immunological gene structure called the MHC. Every individual’s own genetic scent makeup is as unique as their fingerprint. What’s more, when it comes to reproduction, the healthiest progeny comes from two individuals whose MHC is most distinct and different from each other. This assures that any offspring has the widest range of immune function and therefore is the most disease resistant. This actually makes perfect sense in terms of our biological imperative to go forth and multiply, but it also profoundly affects the whole courting process as well as the likelihood of making your love sustainable. MHC compatibility is a predictor of not only bearing healthy offspring, but relationship longevity and frequency of cheating on your partner.
Even more remarkable than the biological compatibility of scent between partners is the new recognition that our ability to smell is completely intertwined with our ability to feel.
Recent research on people who suffered anosmia (scent blind) usually from a traumatic injury to the head, shows that they also became unable to feel a wide range of emotions. “Our sense of smell and our emotional experience are fundamentally interconnected, bi-directionally communicative and functionally the same.”
Suddenly the axiom to “Wake up and smell the roses” is not just good advice but actually may save your life. Without scent, we lose the texture and depth that makes life the rich and varied tapestry that it is. Imagine not being able to smell or taste not just a ripe melon, but your lover, it would make the experience almost inaccessible. Practice smelling, indulge in scent and taste and bear witness to the emotional response that accompanies this. It will surprise you.
I have been promoting the use of true scent products that enhance your own natural chemistry for years, intuitively knowing that products made chemically are not just bad for your most sensitive tissue, but also covers up your own natural odor and may just interfere with our ability to find and smell our true mates. So take this message to heart and as you breathe- inhale deeply, build your vocabulary and experience of scent especially around the people you love most. It will make you feel better.
A great review of this topic can be found in the article Scents and Sensibility in this month’s issue of Psychology today(psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20071228-000001.xml ). The book is also definitely worth the price.
If you were one of the millions waiting for the last minutes of yesterday’s superbowl, then you saw the million dollar invitation by Victoria’s Secret. A bigger than life beautiful girl, dropping the football and mouthing the words that millions of guys dream of hearing. I have to admit it was tasteful and said what we all know, that after the sports events are over- the real game is in our own bedroom. Or well, we hope it is anyway.
I had already been pondering this,watching the commercials and imagining the fun explosion of an ad I could have made for Good Clean Love- it wouldn’t have been just one beautiful girl making the invitation- It would have shown bodies of all sizes and colors and ages- finding the moment we all want so much- of passionate loving touch.
It seems like it should be available to any of us, and yet as the Jan 28thTime magazine article on Why We Love pointed out, our sexual lives are not always the one’s we imagined-” the out of breath, out of body, can you believe this is actually happening kind of sex… “. More often our sex life falls into either a routine, where life’s worries like balancing the checkbook meander through the intimacy or the more exciting and yet more demoralizing kind of sex that many of us experience, the kind that you are regretting even as it taking place.
Sexuality is a mystery, it lives in the non-rational parts of our soul, which is why illicit sex is so exciting and yet also so alienating. When carnal pleasure is so cut off from real life that the primary experience is guilt, even as you are doing it- then the irrational has gone too far. If on the other hand, you make your sexuality so small and narrow that it can fit into the small spaces left in the rationale day to day work of living with someone, then it can’t help but become redundant and routine.
For me, getting to that out of breath, can this be happening to me sex requires that I abandon, at least for a short time the roles that make up most of my waking life. It is a journey not a switch that I can just flip. It is about setting a stage, what ever that may be, but something that makes the time and space different and distinct from the other parts of my life. Scented oils and toys to enhance the voyage are arranged for easy access, slipping into lingerie helps me to remember that other part of me that can let go. Still, even with the props and costuming and lighting all set, there is a deep falling into my body that must happen so that I can feel and experience sensation without the noise in my head. Then there is room for other kinds of fantastic thoughts, you know the ones you didn’t know you had and wouldn’t repeat even to your lover – to show up to inspire the passage.
Really, the whole experience is overwhelmingly, wow, how do we talk about this- weird. But there it is, the real game of getting inside yourself, getting inside someone else, close enough to lose your breath. And you don’t even need a ball to play.
On February 14th 2008, Valentines Day rolls along beckoning us Green Girls (and Guys) to wonder how we can celebrate a holiday meant to embody the spirit of LOVE without necessarily feeding into the consumerist frenzy.
So I thought I’d write my first piece for Green Girls Global about ways to Green our Valentines Day celebrations with the true intention of celebrating our LOVE not only for our sweethearts, but also for Mother Earth. As a Green-solutions based Consultant and Holistic Health & Wellness Counselor for Eco Umbrella, here are some wonderful tips I’ve come up with for your green and gorgeous selves:
1. What’s Valentine’s Day without FLOWERS, right? Well, how about planting some lovely potted flowers in your yard with your honey instead of buying a bouquet. Or better yet, plant a tree together in honor of your love for each other (and mother earth) and watch it grow each year, change with the seasons, and grow some roots. If you must buy flowers, however, I’ve got a list of lovely florists that grow the ORGANIC kind – a much better alternative for the earth and your loved one. Just email me at KSurla@EcoUmbrella.com and I’d be happy to suggest some. Go for the local and organic kind if you can!
2. CHOCOLATE – a dear friend once told me that chocolate might be one of the best things about Valentines. I don’t know if I necessarily agree, but it has been part of the “tradition” as far back as I can recall. So what can you do? Give some lovely hints about how Organic Chocolate is the way to go both for the taste and overall impact on the environment. Fair Trade and Organic Chocolate is even better! Some yummy brands I’ve sampled are Seeds of Change which gives 1% of net sales to “advance the cause of sustainable organic agriculture worldwide”; Divine, which is Fair Trade Certified using Fair Trade Cocoa from a cooperative of “smallholder farms in Ghana”; and Travel Chocolate which is both Organic and Fair Trade. I picked some of these up from the most recent Green Festival in San Francisco.
3. So now we head to the ROMANTIC Candle-lit Dinner. Instead of going to an overpriced fancy shmancy restaurant, I suggest staying in and cooking a lovely organic meal together. If you’re a Green Girl with a garden, use some of the lovely fruits, vegetable and herbs you’ve been growing. Pick them off together, wash them together, cut & dice and slice them together and prepare a lovely romantic, personal and (soy-based) candle-lit dinner in the wonderful privacy of your own home. Who can resist an organic, home cooked, prepared-with-love meal? Food is the key to many hearts, including mine – especially the aforementioned kind.
4. But if you can’t cook, then make a lovely date and go to a local farmers market to pick out some fresh produce, lovely fresh baked breads, and some gourmet dishes straight from the local farms that may make their own cheeses from happy and free roaming cows & sheep. Try out some new organic produce that you’ve never had a chance to taste and share. Create your own lovely picnic basket fresh from the farmers market.
5. After a stroll through the local farmers market, take a bike ride or walk to a local park, beach, or desert – whatever lovely nature spot tickles your fancy – and have a romantic picnic. Bring your own re-useable utensils from home and enjoy each other’s company in nature – a wonderful way to celebrate with Mother Earth herself.
6. So I’ve covered the flowers, chocolate, romantic dinner and food as well as some potential locations out in nature, so let’s get to the best tip of all, and my most favorite…. – for the non-conformist in all of us, why not make Valentines a celebration with friends, family and loved ones instead. Sometimes its not just about the two of you, but about the community around you – so incorporate some of the tips from above and make Valentines a festive gathering of your most beloved. Invite your friends to celebrate Valentines with you together out on the beach or go for a picnic. Share the LOVE and maybe even make it a Tree Planting Valentines gathering to give a little back to Mother Earth herself. Make love with each other. Be love. Give love.
I hope you have a fabulous Valentine’s day in 2008!
Wind power is one of the fastest growing alternative energy sources available. What could be cleaner than capturing the power of the moving air and turning it into energy. This is a powerful metaphor on a personal level and in our work to make relationships sustainable.
The air in your relationship flows from the communication that passes between you and your partner. It is the currency of your relationship. It has the power of a wind generator to capture the essence of what it is to be intimate. It is the source and fuel for physical intimacy.
Taking into account significant gender differences in communication styles and comfort is an important beginning. Women communicate with about ten times the number of words as men- knowing this fact will hopefully allow for differences without letting anyone off the hook.
Everyone needs to stretch themselves when it comes to learning to communicate. Our willingness to share of ourselves in breadth, openness and depth reflects our ability to be intimate. Self disclosure is literally a breath of fresh air for many relationships which limit most conversation to dealing with the mundane tasks of managing a life. It is easy to fall into this place where discussions remain on the surface, our busy lives often leave little time for processing our own feelings or the complex work of expressing them.
Having conversations of depth require not only time, but trust. First, we must trust ourselves. Low self-esteem is hard on relationships because we cannot really build a bond of trust with another if we are not comfortable with ourselves. Issues can easily become confused and communication easily muddled when it is continuously layered with a lack of self confidence of one or both partners.
For many of us, developing the skills for meaningful communication include not just being willing to express ourselves but also a genuine effort and interest in listening. There is little that makes us feel as deeply valued and loved as someone taking the time to truly be present and hear our story. It is an art that is often overlooked in all our dealings, but is particularly damaging in intimate relationships. Learning to listen actively and respectfully adds miles to the life of your relationship.
Trusting your partner enough to share true, central and meaningful aspects of oneself is a true aphrodisiac. It creates a continuous cycle of deepening self disclosure and safety that is at the heart of thriving relationships. Consider building a wind generator inside your home if you are really committed to a sustainable life. The air is good in there and who knows how much energy you might be able to store up for some cold winter night.
