I recently read a beautifully written article about one woman’s account of the journey through breast cancer treatment. During this time, she was teaching writing to inmates in jail. She compared her experience so articulately when she said that they both wanted the same thing- “We both wanted out, or rather, a way back in to our ordinary lives. ” This is the tragedy of life I think, that we rarely truly appreciate the wonder of the everyday- picking up kids, getting groceries, making dinners, even making love with our spouses can and often do so easily turn into this weighty tasks which we carry instead of the incredible light filled moments that they are.

It is most often in hindsight that we realize how incredibly fortunate we were for months or years that our ordinary lives prevailed. I am guilty of this taking for granted too- so sometimes driving in my car, I try to wake myself up by scaring myself with some terrible tragedy that might happen… I always am trying to remind myself – what if these are the last words I speak to him? Usually just a few minutes of this is enough to make me realize that there is nothing ordinary about this ordinary life I lead. I open my eyes and see the trees I am passing again.

A friend of mine, recently separated came to this same recognition about his marriage, sadly after it had ended. It is so easy to see what is loveable and precious about our partners and families in hindsight. Learning to appreciate their wonder and wake up to the minute and tender details of our ordinary lives is a skill worth cultivating. It gives us the only thing that we can really be sure of – this present moment of our ordinary lives.

A few thoughts to love by- from your friendly neighborhood loveologist…

“To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life.” – Elizabeth Gilbert Sometimes we give up one kind of balance for another. Our work lives take over our personal life, new families take over old exercise routines, and sometimes our love life can take over all of it. Losing our balance over love can be fun. Actually that in love, out of control craziness of deep connection can be like a drug, blurring our vision so that the world has a rosy hue and commitments to any thing other than our beloved are hard to keep.

Losing our balance when love disappoints us can be just as confusing. Relationship endings rank as the number one stressor in life for over 60% of a large national survey and for good reason. It isn’t just a partnership that ends. For many people, basic identity and beliefs about family and promises are also shattered. Losing love blurs our vision of ourselves and what the world can be. Keeping up with other commitments during this painful life re-construction can make love feel like a disease.

Sustaining a loving relationship requires remarkable balance. Because no one is easy to love all of the time, thriving relationships not only demand healthy boundaries which respect each partners individual needs but also the ability to hold what is lovable alongside what is most difficult about each person. Striking this realistic balance in love is daily work and can swing between that rosy in love feeling and darkness descending.

This pendulum swing in relationships can be clocked sometimes in as brief a period as minutes. Not uncommonly I barely remember how good I was feeling about my mate or marriage, just days late. Developing the skill to step back and watch your own feelings change is a useful tool to finding balance. On a good day, the witnessing can create enough space to not react immediately and give you the time to find the center again, where you are holding the lovable and difficult side by side.

Lately I have been studying Pilates and doing the physical work of finding balance. Building my core pelvic muscles in this way has deeply changed not just how I live in my body, but also my life. Better even than the end of lifelong back pain, is the emotional stability that has come with a new found strength in my physical center. Working on the body and getting out of the mind is a direct and visceral route to feeling balance.

Living in your center also provides an entirely new and way more exciting access to experiencing an entirely new balance in physical intimacy. Orgasm is the single act that simultaneously releases tension and restores fullness to the mind, body and spirit, creating moments of perfect balance. Finding and maintaining balance in relationship to ourselves and others is worth all the effort it requires. Sometimes it’s just a willingness to surrender to the imbalance that sets things right.

On a recent trip to Croatia, my daughters saw a vendor of Henna tatoos-  In the lazy summer sun, it seemed like an innocent enough souvenir to take home.  I missed the sign about the “Electric Black” Henna and said yes.   So just in case you didn’t know, like me,  there is no such thing as Black Henna- just nasty  black hair dye,  which is actually a chemical called PPD.  This chemical, which won allergen of the year in 2006 by a National Association of Dermatoligists is a toxic chemical, not meant for use on the skin.

My daughters had severe reactions to this chemical from serious headaches, fever and the most debilitating and tenacious rash response I have ever seen.  We have had positive response from herbal, homeopathic and aromatherapy remedies but she has missed most of her summer vacation in bed.

Henna tattoos are brownish red in color and are applied like a coloring over the skin, they are not pricked into the skin and they are NOT black.  If you know anyone traveling to sunny beaches please warn them to be careful of vendors of black tattoos.   After doing some research on the internet I have found stories from all over the world of children and teens like my own, who unknowingly poisoned themselves and many who had lasting scars from the event.

Thanks for sharing this post and spreading the word.

I found this post on one of the love groups on a really cool social network site that I write for, Care2.com-and I was so taken by the words of children that remind us in the deepest place what we have all known all along. We all know the simple and loving acts which make our lives worthwhile and we used to have words to share them way more easily than we do now. Ask a child you love this question and watch the reflection in their eyes about what love means while they look at you.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year olds, “What does Love mean?”  The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what You think:

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too” Rebecca-age 8

“When someone Loves You, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth” Billy-age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other” Karl-age 5

“Love is when my Mummy makes coffee for my Daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay” Emily-age 8

“If You want to learn to Love better, You should start with a friend who You hate” Nikka-age

“Love is when You tell a guy You like his shirt, then he wears it every day” Noelle-age 7

“My Mummy Loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night” Clare-age 6

“Love is when Mummy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken” Elaine-age 5

“I know my older sister Loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones” Lauren-age4

“Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross” Mark-age 6

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I Love You’ unless You mean it. But if You mean it, You should say it a lot. People forget” Jessica-age 8

And the final one – Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old man’s yard, climbed onto his lap and just sat there.

When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry”

If you want to see more- www.care2.com – the group is called Land of Love, I also have a sustainable love group there-