Recently, after I reviewed another book on greening the fashion world, the publisher sent me a note saying that she had seen my site www.goodcleanlove.com and was going send me another new book she thought I would be interested in: Sex Secrets of Porn Stars.

I wondered if she had actually read anything on my site.

After years of attending the big Vegas “Sex Shows,” it had become increasingly clear that my corporate mission, brand identity and personal beliefs about the connection between love and sex was a universe removed from both the intent and content of the adult industry.

Giving into curiosity, however, I opened the book to the first page, where the author compares the women we emulate, like Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Margaret Mead, with the famous women of the silver screen, the ones who bare it all: the stars of pornography. The author suggests that if we emulated these women (instead of great women’s rights leaders?) we would all enjoy the pleasures of the flesh. The plot thickens, as the author details everything from the hair, make up and costume choices of porn stars, to their borrowed positions and scripts, suggesting all of this in order to spice up one’s own love life.

Ironically on the same day, I got a lengthy email from a New York literary agent with whom I had been corresponding about publishing my work in book form. Having made contact with her through an editor at a large publishing house, I was anxious to hear her thoughts on how best to position my work. She said that although she liked my work, the idea of the work involved in building and maintaining sustainable relationships just wouldn’t sell nearly as well as a cute book about discovering and enjoying a more passionate life. “Couldn’t you just write a book about finding more passion? After all, you have this cute company that sells sex products…. Just downplay all the hard work in relationships, people don’t really want to read about that.”

It occurred to me to send her Sex Secrets of the Porn Stars.

I do sometimes feel that my tag line – “Making Love Sustainable” – is a little like pushing a big rock up a steep hill. We aren’t really a culture that applies the wisdom of sustainability to our most important relationships. Often when I use my tag line, there is a thoughtful pause, as though the idea were completely new. It isn’t just about promoting green and healthy products (although the adult industry could certainly do with a green washing of its standard ingredients). It is also about the deeper possibility that we might be willing to give up momentary happiness or the ease we expect our relationships to provide and actually commit to the work of making our relationships sustainable and lasting – perhaps with the same effort we might put into our homes, businesses and personal health.

How far our collective reality is from this sustainable love model is evidenced in our society’s demographics: from rising divorce statistics, to the trends of young people who choose to “hook up” or to be “friends with benefits” rather than engage in committed relationships, to the commonness of pornography in our lives. The percentages of people who participate in the on-line pornographic universe, for instance, are startling. One in four adults spends four or more hours per week in sexual experiences that are cut off from the relationships that define their lives. Many actually prefer these virtual relationships to the real ones that fill their homes. In a time when there has never been more opportunity and technology to connect to each other, we have never seen the incidence of this many people living alone.

That we don’t choose to stay in real love relationships is not that surprising, as loving another person is one of the most challenging and elevated skills that we are demanded to develop as human beings. Most of us come from families which gave us little useful information on how to love with longevity and commitment. And if you graduated from any public institution in this country, then you know how little relationship skills are provided in the standard K-12 curriculum. Even skills as basic as conflict resolution are rarely standard for children, compared with say, geometry. Given our collective history of warring and pillaging, you would think it might occur to our society that loving each other is not an ingrained quality in the human makeup. Rather than a sideline activity, it could be that teaching the skills of loving, relationship-building and conflict resolution could be something for which we try to achieve mastery.

Still, as complicated and messy as loving relationships can be, they are also a clear path that can provide the kind of mind-blowing, wow-that-was-amazing sex that we all long for most. Making love with someone who you deeply love is a singular experience that so unites the intimates involved that it transforms them. It is the proverbial glue that keeps the rest of the mess intact and inspires people to a compassion and kindness that they may not even know they are capable of. It is the truest part of what it means to be human and the act of love that accompanies it has the power to change the world.

And change the world it does. Loving someone is the largest single predictor for health and longevity. As Dr. Dean Ornish says: “Love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well, what causes sadness and what brings happiness, what makes us suffer and what leads to healing…I am not aware of any other factor in medicine – not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery – that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness and premature death from all causes.”

Love is the cure as well as the illness in our world, and evolving our ability to love increases not only our chances of survival but creates a depth and meaning in life that can only happen in relationship.

The healing effects of intimacy and connection extend deeply into the physical act of lovemaking. Hundreds of major medical studies have shown that an active sex life leads to a longer life, better heart health, a healthier immune response, reduction in chronic pain symptoms, lower rates of depression and even protection against some cancers. Men who have regular sex (only twice per week) have half as many heart attacks as men who only have sex once per month. In fact, a regular garden variety sex life has been shown to extend life by as much as ten years. People who enjoy a meaningful sex life are less anxious, fearful and inhibited.

So now that you are sold on the benefits of love and intimacy, let’s also reveal the unspoken truth about sustaining love over time: loving someone else and allowing yourself to be deeply loved is an act of heroic patience, intention and commitment. After the honeymoon wears off (and I promise it always does) we humans are all as annoying as we are loveable. Accepting this as fact and then building the skills to undertake the daily problem-solving of loving, is not only wise, but is also a prerequisite for enjoying the kind of sex that can change your world.

When I think of summer, I have this picture of long lazy days by the water,  listening for the distant voices of my children while I wander off into a great book,  quietly stepping into some new ways of thinking or sharing in the stories of life that change us just by hearing them.   Ana Freud said  “Sex is something we do, sexuality is who we are.”  What better time than the brief interludes of warm sunny days to ponder the mystery of intimacy,  with fresh insights and revelations to bring increased clarity to how we live our sexuality as well as fun and passion to what we do with the people we love most.

Understanding ourselves as sexual beings and building a language to explore who we are in these mysterious places is a large task.  For some people, the taboo of adding language to sexual acts keeps them silent and unfulfilled.   Even for me,  the loveologist that sells love products and can say the words “oral sex” to perfect strangers,  I can often find myself silent with my husband,  lacking the know how and the courage to describe my fantasies or describe the kind of touch that most moves me.

When I received my copy of “Getting the Sex You Want” by my friend Tammy Nelson, the director of the Center for Healing and Recovery and Passionate Partnerships  I was both  curious and a little skeptical.     Based on the couples therapy work she has been doing at her office in Connecticut, Tammy offers up some well known techniques and strategies for building the communication skills to connect with your partner.   The communications method, which is based on the work of Harville Hendrix’s work “Getting the Love You Want” felt a bit contrived at first, but she quickly demonstrates how basic communication skills applied to our intimate lives has the power to revolutionize what you are doing in the bedroom and quickly spills over into the rest of your relationship.

One example she shared of a husband who had so much shame about masturbation (and don’t we all share a bit of that…) experienced such a huge relief when he was finally able to talk about his needs of sharing the experience in their sex life together   The book was full of examples  and exercises to try by yourself or with your partner that demonstrated how a shared and agreed upon method of communicating about sex could easily turn into inspiring new found abilities to express sexual needs and desires.  I was so impressed with the book that I tried the technique myself later that week.   Things that I had never thought of saying to my husband suddenly seemed possible.

The first question that anyone going to a sex therapist asks is “Am I normal?”  This question and the fear of what it might mean if we deviate from normal in our sexuality can control our lives and our relationships.  Another book that has recently come across my desk ,  Tantra for Erotic Empowerment (by Michaels and Johnson) is an active workbook of sexual self discovery.  The books premise that giving and extending permission to experience ourselves as sexual beings without fear of shame or rejection is truly the ground work for profound change and acceptance in the entire relationship.

While I don’t have that much personal experience with Tantra practices,  I would say that anyone who is learning to love their partner in a long term relationship is bound  to encounter where the physical and spiritual worlds meet in lovemaking.   Understanding  our sexuality in the context of our human nature normalizes as well as sanctify this most mysterious form of human communication.  Unlike many books written about tantric practices, which can get really esoteric,  this one provides a clear map for the beginner as well as deeper insights for the tantric practioner.   Even if all the content is not for you, there are enough thought provoking exercises to keep the book interesting long after the sun sets.

If you haven’t already read a review about Bonk by Mary Roach, let me say that there is nothing quite like actual sex history to wake you up to the wide and and amazing world of human sexuality.   She is a meticulous researcher and has a genuine sense of humor that alleviates any embarrassment you might be feeling about reading about the extremely checkered history that our discomfort with our sexuality has created through the centuries.  It will probably help you feel better about the places you are still stuck, and if you ever wondered where some of the far out porn fantasies came from- read sex history.   Even if you don’t want to own this book, reserve it at your local library.  Some fun fact from the book will spur some exciting discussion at your next barbeque.

Here’s to a summer memorable for how we all learn to love more and show it in ways that will keep you connected long into winter.

I have a cool job, or as my sixteen year old son would correct me, it is fresh… I get to imagine and  sell amazing love products.  My husband bought in to the concept because he of course gets to be the primary tester.  This is a real perk in a love products company.   I have learned a lot about product formulation and ingredients over the years,  but what I have learned about love and marriage has been even more inspiring. So here is the big key that I wish someone had told me years ago… the more you love your partner, the more loving they become.

I started Good Clean Love in search of healthy and clean products for myself.  Good love products should make touching, kissing and smelling each other better.  They should be made with natural ingredients that actually interact with your brain and don’t leave nasty and sticky residue on your skin. The products you use for love, should make you feel like you are loving yourself and as far as I am concerned that leaves petro- chemicals and parabens out of the mix.  Surprisingly over 90% of the OTC lubes available are made with chemicals designed first for cars or oven cleaner.  Many women have severe reactions to these products and because they are all made with the same base ingredients, many women come to the false conclusion that they don’t like sex.   (It’s the products…)

Using good love products that are made with natural ingredients should invite the healthy exploration of touch and scent that can often be a more easily understood form of communication.   Sometimes it is good to give our words and voices a rest and let our bodies lead us to the communicating and bonding that they carry inside.  In fact, after decades of marriage, I would say that it is through the physical conversations that I connect with my husband in ways that words can’t come close.  This connection is where sex is making love.

Scent is the most basic reflex we have when it comes to sexual attraction.  Try and imagine kissing someone who smells bad to you…. Love products that capitalize on true scent are actually waking up the limbic part of your brain, where memory, sexuality and emotion are conveniently stored.  The gentle nudge of scents gets that arousal mechanism going and after kissing and massaging with aphrodisiac scents, your imagination (which is a really important sex organ) lets loose.  Cleopatra knew this, she was known to make love on a bed of rose petals 10 inches deep.

Lubrication is at the core of good feelings in sexuality.  When you are young and fit, it is a natural mechanism that just happens, reminding you that you feel sexy.  As we age and experience more of life’s cycles (kids, nursing, illnesses and some medications) we often don’t get those messages from our body.  The cool thing, or well the fresh thing is this,  you can apply a good and natural lube to your body and wake up those arousal feelings yourself.  Your body can teach your brain at least as effectively as your brain teaching the body.   And face it,  any body part that is oiled, wet, slick and smooth is sexier than the same body part dry.

Dig into Valentines Day with your whole body and pay attention to the ingredients- your most sensitive tissue deserves healthy and green products too.