Recently, after I reviewed another book on greening the fashion world, the publisher sent me a note saying that she had seen my site www.goodcleanlove.com and was going send me another new book she thought I would be interested in: Sex Secrets of Porn Stars.

I wondered if she had actually read anything on my site.

After years of attending the big Vegas “Sex Shows,” it had become increasingly clear that my corporate mission, brand identity and personal beliefs about the connection between love and sex was a universe removed from both the intent and content of the adult industry.

Giving into curiosity, however, I opened the book to the first page, where the author compares the women we emulate, like Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Margaret Mead, with the famous women of the silver screen, the ones who bare it all: the stars of pornography. The author suggests that if we emulated these women (instead of great women’s rights leaders?) we would all enjoy the pleasures of the flesh. The plot thickens, as the author details everything from the hair, make up and costume choices of porn stars, to their borrowed positions and scripts, suggesting all of this in order to spice up one’s own love life.

Ironically on the same day, I got a lengthy email from a New York literary agent with whom I had been corresponding about publishing my work in book form. Having made contact with her through an editor at a large publishing house, I was anxious to hear her thoughts on how best to position my work. She said that although she liked my work, the idea of the work involved in building and maintaining sustainable relationships just wouldn’t sell nearly as well as a cute book about discovering and enjoying a more passionate life. “Couldn’t you just write a book about finding more passion? After all, you have this cute company that sells sex products…. Just downplay all the hard work in relationships, people don’t really want to read about that.”

It occurred to me to send her Sex Secrets of the Porn Stars.

I do sometimes feel that my tag line – “Making Love Sustainable” – is a little like pushing a big rock up a steep hill. We aren’t really a culture that applies the wisdom of sustainability to our most important relationships. Often when I use my tag line, there is a thoughtful pause, as though the idea were completely new. It isn’t just about promoting green and healthy products (although the adult industry could certainly do with a green washing of its standard ingredients). It is also about the deeper possibility that we might be willing to give up momentary happiness or the ease we expect our relationships to provide and actually commit to the work of making our relationships sustainable and lasting – perhaps with the same effort we might put into our homes, businesses and personal health.

How far our collective reality is from this sustainable love model is evidenced in our society’s demographics: from rising divorce statistics, to the trends of young people who choose to “hook up” or to be “friends with benefits” rather than engage in committed relationships, to the commonness of pornography in our lives. The percentages of people who participate in the on-line pornographic universe, for instance, are startling. One in four adults spends four or more hours per week in sexual experiences that are cut off from the relationships that define their lives. Many actually prefer these virtual relationships to the real ones that fill their homes. In a time when there has never been more opportunity and technology to connect to each other, we have never seen the incidence of this many people living alone.

That we don’t choose to stay in real love relationships is not that surprising, as loving another person is one of the most challenging and elevated skills that we are demanded to develop as human beings. Most of us come from families which gave us little useful information on how to love with longevity and commitment. And if you graduated from any public institution in this country, then you know how little relationship skills are provided in the standard K-12 curriculum. Even skills as basic as conflict resolution are rarely standard for children, compared with say, geometry. Given our collective history of warring and pillaging, you would think it might occur to our society that loving each other is not an ingrained quality in the human makeup. Rather than a sideline activity, it could be that teaching the skills of loving, relationship-building and conflict resolution could be something for which we try to achieve mastery.

Still, as complicated and messy as loving relationships can be, they are also a clear path that can provide the kind of mind-blowing, wow-that-was-amazing sex that we all long for most. Making love with someone who you deeply love is a singular experience that so unites the intimates involved that it transforms them. It is the proverbial glue that keeps the rest of the mess intact and inspires people to a compassion and kindness that they may not even know they are capable of. It is the truest part of what it means to be human and the act of love that accompanies it has the power to change the world.

And change the world it does. Loving someone is the largest single predictor for health and longevity. As Dr. Dean Ornish says: “Love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well, what causes sadness and what brings happiness, what makes us suffer and what leads to healing…I am not aware of any other factor in medicine – not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery – that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness and premature death from all causes.”

Love is the cure as well as the illness in our world, and evolving our ability to love increases not only our chances of survival but creates a depth and meaning in life that can only happen in relationship.

The healing effects of intimacy and connection extend deeply into the physical act of lovemaking. Hundreds of major medical studies have shown that an active sex life leads to a longer life, better heart health, a healthier immune response, reduction in chronic pain symptoms, lower rates of depression and even protection against some cancers. Men who have regular sex (only twice per week) have half as many heart attacks as men who only have sex once per month. In fact, a regular garden variety sex life has been shown to extend life by as much as ten years. People who enjoy a meaningful sex life are less anxious, fearful and inhibited.

So now that you are sold on the benefits of love and intimacy, let’s also reveal the unspoken truth about sustaining love over time: loving someone else and allowing yourself to be deeply loved is an act of heroic patience, intention and commitment. After the honeymoon wears off (and I promise it always does) we humans are all as annoying as we are loveable. Accepting this as fact and then building the skills to undertake the daily problem-solving of loving, is not only wise, but is also a prerequisite for enjoying the kind of sex that can change your world.

When I think of summer, I have this picture of long lazy days by the water,  listening for the distant voices of my children while I wander off into a great book,  quietly stepping into some new ways of thinking or sharing in the stories of life that change us just by hearing them.   Ana Freud said  “Sex is something we do, sexuality is who we are.”  What better time than the brief interludes of warm sunny days to ponder the mystery of intimacy,  with fresh insights and revelations to bring increased clarity to how we live our sexuality as well as fun and passion to what we do with the people we love most.

Understanding ourselves as sexual beings and building a language to explore who we are in these mysterious places is a large task.  For some people, the taboo of adding language to sexual acts keeps them silent and unfulfilled.   Even for me,  the loveologist that sells love products and can say the words “oral sex” to perfect strangers,  I can often find myself silent with my husband,  lacking the know how and the courage to describe my fantasies or describe the kind of touch that most moves me.

When I received my copy of “Getting the Sex You Want” by my friend Tammy Nelson, the director of the Center for Healing and Recovery and Passionate Partnerships  I was both  curious and a little skeptical.     Based on the couples therapy work she has been doing at her office in Connecticut, Tammy offers up some well known techniques and strategies for building the communication skills to connect with your partner.   The communications method, which is based on the work of Harville Hendrix’s work “Getting the Love You Want” felt a bit contrived at first, but she quickly demonstrates how basic communication skills applied to our intimate lives has the power to revolutionize what you are doing in the bedroom and quickly spills over into the rest of your relationship.

One example she shared of a husband who had so much shame about masturbation (and don’t we all share a bit of that…) experienced such a huge relief when he was finally able to talk about his needs of sharing the experience in their sex life together   The book was full of examples  and exercises to try by yourself or with your partner that demonstrated how a shared and agreed upon method of communicating about sex could easily turn into inspiring new found abilities to express sexual needs and desires.  I was so impressed with the book that I tried the technique myself later that week.   Things that I had never thought of saying to my husband suddenly seemed possible.

The first question that anyone going to a sex therapist asks is “Am I normal?”  This question and the fear of what it might mean if we deviate from normal in our sexuality can control our lives and our relationships.  Another book that has recently come across my desk ,  Tantra for Erotic Empowerment (by Michaels and Johnson) is an active workbook of sexual self discovery.  The books premise that giving and extending permission to experience ourselves as sexual beings without fear of shame or rejection is truly the ground work for profound change and acceptance in the entire relationship.

While I don’t have that much personal experience with Tantra practices,  I would say that anyone who is learning to love their partner in a long term relationship is bound  to encounter where the physical and spiritual worlds meet in lovemaking.   Understanding  our sexuality in the context of our human nature normalizes as well as sanctify this most mysterious form of human communication.  Unlike many books written about tantric practices, which can get really esoteric,  this one provides a clear map for the beginner as well as deeper insights for the tantric practioner.   Even if all the content is not for you, there are enough thought provoking exercises to keep the book interesting long after the sun sets.

If you haven’t already read a review about Bonk by Mary Roach, let me say that there is nothing quite like actual sex history to wake you up to the wide and and amazing world of human sexuality.   She is a meticulous researcher and has a genuine sense of humor that alleviates any embarrassment you might be feeling about reading about the extremely checkered history that our discomfort with our sexuality has created through the centuries.  It will probably help you feel better about the places you are still stuck, and if you ever wondered where some of the far out porn fantasies came from- read sex history.   Even if you don’t want to own this book, reserve it at your local library.  Some fun fact from the book will spur some exciting discussion at your next barbeque.

Here’s to a summer memorable for how we all learn to love more and show it in ways that will keep you connected long into winter.

Have you ever really wanted to do something, to change the world, but felt totally insignificant? Ever thought that just one person couldn’t make a difference?

“A Beginner’s Guide To Changing The World” (formerly called “For Tibet, With Love”) is about just that.

[Published by Harper One: ISBN 0060834528]

It describes the incredible journey of Isabel Losada as she discovers the truth about what is going on in Tibet, since the Chinese occupation 59 years ago. She put all her energies behind a campaign to raise global awareness of the situation and achieved mass media coverage, with a combination of inspired publicity stunts and dogged, patient determination. At the same time, she shares with us the emotional and spiritual journey, which led her to gain an audience with the Dalai Lama in Dharamsala.

It is touching, enlightening and amusing. I found myself literally rationing it, to make the experience of reading it last for as long as possible.

If you want to find out about the human rights issues in Tibet, then this book is a must-read because Isabel explores all angles – covering both sides of every argument, allowing you to come to your own conclusions.

The thing is that this book didn’t just inform me about the Tibet situation, it also helped me look inside myself to uncover the blocks that were holding me back from speaking my truth and believing that I could make a difference.

So if you’ve got a cause that’s close to your heart and you want someone to help inspire you to believe that you really can make a difference, I invite you to read “A Beginner’s Guide To Changing The World” and do something about it today!

Love,
Clare x

P.S. If you want to help make a difference and bring a peaceful resolution to the suffering in Tibet, please consider signing the www.avaaz.org campaign – it got over 1 million signatures, worldwide, in the first few days and they’re looking for a second million this week!

THE LEATHERBACK TURTLE —
THE LAST REMAINING DINOSAUR

Have you ever been in the presence of something so ancient that when you look at it you know that it has seen it all?

That was my first impression when I came face to face with one of the most primitive and most critically endangered animals left on earth: the leatherback turtle. A few years back my husband and I visited the Las Baulas (the leatherback) National Marine Park in Costa Rica. The entrance fee was steep but since you only see such wonders on the Discovery Channel or in a National Geographic magazine we decided to go for it. The tour picked us up at nine at night at our hotel in Tamarindo Beach and drove over to Playa Grande (10 minutes away). There we were greeted by a tour guide. He told us that about ten years ago he made his living by poaching the leatherback’s eggs. The leatherbacks’ eggs are said to have an aphrodisiac effect on men. Many Latinos believe they will be better lovers if they eat them. This is obviously a hoax, but old traditions are difficult to dispute when your fathers and grandfathers have instilled this into your belief system.

Today very few poachers exist due to heavy fines and imprisonment. However, today the turtles’ problems are much more pressing than a man with a low libido. Greed and money have come in direct conflict with this creatures’ survival. Waiting around for hours on Playa Grande, we were told that the turtle makes her way out of the ocean when the tide is high to help push her out of the surf and onto the beach. Finally, at around 2 am our guide told us that a turtle has surfaced. He told us to walk in a single line and follow him. We must have walked for over 30 minutes, until we spotted her. She was immense, close to the size of a small car with legs the size of skateboards. Laboriously, she worked hard at making a nest and once the laying process began we were allowed to surround her. I was so moved by this experience that I could think of nothing else.

The following day we went back to the park to see the museum during the day and discovered the harsh facts. In 1990 over 1100 turtles came to nest on Playa Grande, which is considered one of the five most important nesting sites in the world. Today, no more than 50 remain.

If the world doesn’t take serious notice of this the creature that has been around for over 65 million years will be placed on the same shelf as the dinosaur in the extinct category. There is no escaping the problems that surround this animal: Over-development of beach front properties with the use of lights, and pets scare the turtles away and they never return. The leatherback’s main food source is jelly fish, with all the garbage thrown into the waters they are constantly dying from trying to eat plastic. And what little turtles remain, they too are killed by getting trapped in fishing nets of huge industrial fishing boats. Now matter which direction one looks the human affect on this animal is bringing it to its doom.

When I learned all this, I was moved to take action. We donated money to the park; however, I wanted to do more. I have a son who is three years old, and I want him to grow up and see this turtle in its natural habitat. That’s when I became inspired to write my young adult book ‘Turtle Feet, Surfer’s Beat’. The kids and teens of today are our future. They are the ones we need to focus on, to educate. My book is a fun adventure through Costa Rica’s most famous surf town, with beach parties, teen romances and marine preservation.

I also believe to act is much more than just reading a book, it’s about hands-on. With that, I founded www.turtlefeetsurfersbeat.com a community for kids, teens and parents to join forces with surfers, musicians, artists, specialists and everyone else who is devoted to helping marine preservation.

So join us today and have fun!!!

Marina Kuperman TURTLE FEET, SURFER´S BEAT Take the ultimate ride!!! www.Turtlefeetsurfersbeat.com